Cardboard whales & big bananas ... Day 2 14/10/08

Ok..now this was yesterday and I was too tired last night to write it. And right now I am already in Surfers Paradise and my notes are in the car so I just have to try and remember it.

Left Taree at about 8am. And drove along til we got to Port Macquarie. Beautiful place.

We got out of the car and took some pics by the ocean. I really liked it there. We drove into the town (by accident – don’t ask) and I saw a bit of that. And then we drove off and got to a town called Fredericktown (I think) and stopped at a place called Fredos Pies where we decided to have brekkie. Had the yummiest Sheppard pie! And got a fantastic pic of mum posing with Marilyn Munroe...

The next stop was Coffs Harbour. B E A Utiful! Loved it! We got out of the car and went for a nice walk along the foreshore. They had speed humps there, which I jokingly said were for wheelchairs, so mum drove me over some.

They had Whale watching tours there from $20. Bloody cheap, but we decided that maybe you don’t actually get to see a whale. Maybe they just have a cardboard one that they wave across the front of the ship...LOL!

Saw the Big Banana at Coffs, didn’t go in though. Anyone would think we were in a huge hurry.

So off we went. Drove further north. Got to some cane fields. I had never seen sugar cane (except on the telly). There was heaps of it. Lots of roadworks along the way too. Couldn’t believe e it all. 38k of it at one stage.

Then we finally got to Ballina at about 2.30pm I think. Found a hotel and then went into town. Had a look around the shops. Finally got a stubby holder. I wanted to collect one from each town we stayed at but couldn’t find one for Taree. So got one with Ballina on it. Then went into the cheap shop next door and found an even nicer one that was cheaper, but too late.

Bought some birthday cards for the girls in Tassie. Then went down to the jetty. Was nice there. But the tide was almost out. So we decided we would go back this morning. Then back to the hotel. Had a bbq tea then piked it. I think I was asleep by 830pm!!! And for those of you who know me know that that is blooooody early for me. I’m normally a 2-3am person. Very rarely before midnight anyway.

So that was day 2.

Day 1 - It's just the beginning! 13th October 2008

Well I woke at 430am after 2 restful hours of sleep (yawn. Got ready and went over to Toc to mums place. At 615 we finally headed off on our merry journey. It was only just starting to get light. Had to keep our eye out for skippies. Didn’t want to hit one of the barsteds. Make such a mess on the car.

A town named URANA!!! Of course we would all love to get out and stick an S on the town name sign wouldn’t we. Can you imagine it? “Yes, I live in Uranas!” ROFL!

Mum nicking the lollies!

We then got stuck behind this shocker of a truck. This barsted didn’t know where the left hand side of the road was, and he was going slower than we would have liked. Mum tried passing once and he swerved into the middle of the road. So we got stuck behind him for ages. Finally passed him then watched the idiot behind us passing other cars and still swerving all over the place. Anyway we were finally free of him so kept on going.

CAR CRASH!!!

By this time I really needed the loo!!! I didn’t say anything as if we stopped those trucks would pass us and we would have to get by them again. Only 60K to Wagga Wagga. Rough road and lots of potholes help! Rides!! Who needs Dreamworld. Oh there was a dead skippy too. I suggested to mum that we play the roadkill game but she politely declined and just told me to play on my own. Hey I suppose I’m used to playing with myself...whoops...by myself! Bloody seatbelt pushing on my bladder!! We aren’t far out of Wagga now. And Redda is already rolling a smoke ready to light it the second he gets out of the car. LOL! Glad I don’t need those anymore. This area reminds me of the Midlands Hwy in Tassie, near the highest point. Oh now it’s different.

At Wagga Wagga. Stopping for Brekkie. AND A WEE BREAK!! This place reminds me of Launceston. Lots of old houses and stuff. I don’t know, it just has a similar feel. My ear is playing up, like I’m on a plane. Wonder if we are at a high altitude. On the road to Gundagai, Lalala! Just going onto the Hume Highway. Oh we bypass Gundagai, so we miss seeing the dog on the tuckerbox.

OK just slept for an hour. I dreamt that Monty was here in the car with me. When I woke up I looked for him. Poor baby. Anyway, just outside of Yass. Stopping for fuel.

Back on the road. About 250k south of Sydney now. Just asked mum and we have travelled 458k so far, and its 1137am. Oh a town called Breadalbane!! Are we in Tassie? I got UH HUH HER blaring in my ears. So addicted. I tried to update my iPod last night cos this album isn’t on it. And I think the barsted is dying. It said that I needed to run a scan of the drive for errors then said it couldn’t do it and it wouldn’t update. So I think I might be stuck with what’s on there. Shite.

My knee is burning from the heat of the laptop. Going to be a nice day I think. I would normally only be waking up. Cos we all know I have no life. There’s a turnoff to Canberra....Peter Harvey............................Caaannberar! Clare is laughing right now. I bet you said it out loud didn’t you! Oh I really love this song “Well are you such a dreamer, but yourself in my shoes, careful what you wish for love...” It’s such a nice song. OOOOOOO OOOOOooooo! Now I see red is on. Love this song too. So addicted to this band. Hey I found out that one of the girls in the band, liesha Hailey, used to be in the band the Murmurs. They sung that YOU SUCK song. Remember? “Well there’s dust on my guitar you fuck, and it’s all your fault. You paralyse my mind and for that YOU SUCK!” HAHA! I have to say I prefer UHH though.

Went past a place called Marulan, where mum and dad got scammed with the pine tree plantation back in the early 70s. Saw the turnoff to Bowral. Shouldn’t have made that backpacker joke, didn’t go down too well. Whoops! I’m also starting to trip out cos we’re going past places where I used to do the CNI database for at Telstra. Sydney was my area. I still remember the exchange codes of all the places and it’s been over 6 years now. Sad I know.

Signs by the side of the road keep saying it is a high wind area, I always thought it was a high wind area with me! HAHA! Going thru the western suburbs of Sydney. Don’t get to go over the Bridge. Doh. But it would have been to shocking with the traffic. So that’s ok.

A weird looking Subway north of Sydney

Drove along, bypassed Newcastle and stopped for another piss stop. Went thru a place called Bulahdelah! Urana is still my fave hehe! There was also a place called Wang Wauk! ROFL! So funny.

So now were here at Taree. We did 990k today (that’s 615 mile for all the oldies). We should have gone another 10 to make it the 1000 but poor mum was just exhausted. She is in bed nodding off already and its only 810pm.

Haven’t really seen the town much yet. Went for a drive to the bottle-o to get a drink and saw the river here. Looks so pretty.. It reminds me of the river at Scamander in Tassie. I think I’m missing Tassie cos everything is reminding me of it. We are going to go to Barrina tomorrow, about 450k away. Only a small trip then. Not an 11 and a half hour one like today. I am exhausted. So goodnight for now!

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'In.'
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'For Personal Services'
7. Finish all your sentences with 'in accordance with the prophecy.'
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To go.'
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream 'I won!, I won!'
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'run for your lives, they're loose!!'
19. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Put this in your blog to make your friends smile...Its called therapy.

iPod Fun

I got this off a post in livejournal....

Step 1: Put your iPod player on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 32 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Let everyone guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Bold the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!

1 - You say somethings got a hold on you

2- Girl one....talk to me

3- Hey driver, where we goin'

4- Driven round in circles for three hours

5- The light ... it flickers

6- Some sign of forgivness, some form of relief

7- When you are losing direction you can depend on me

8- Tonight I feel so weak but all in love is fair

9 - I wanna feel just like before, before the rain came in my door

10 - Hello did ya miss me, I know I'm hard to resist

11 - Told me you were lookin, said I shouldn't look at you that way

12 - I don't believe in temple faith

13 - I can't see me in this empty space, just another lonely face

14 - Well I'm standing here looking at you

15 - I'm walking around , feels like a thousand ways I could fall

16 - I just can't believe it was all a lie

17 - Living here without you is not an easy way of life

18 - Hey hey honey when I'm without you I get a shiver up and down my spine

19 - Hitched a ride out of nowhere

20- Read my lips I'm into you

21 - American people with marvelous hair

22 - It feels so far, so far away

23 - Why was I the last to know

24 - Going down the hard road

25 - So please let me come to you and stay this time

26 - You know every time I look at that expression printed on the page

27 - We got winners, we got losers

28 - Did I disappoint you

29 - You're so complicated

30 - The cold has a voice

Help me! Help me! I don't know who I am!

Sad isn't it? 37 years old and I have no idea who I am.

I have been thinking deeply about this lately. Trying to work out exactly where I fit in in this world. And I still have no idea.

I came back from Tassie cos I thought I belonged here, with family. That didn't work out. Mum is the only family I see often. And don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for that. I love her heaps. She is my rock. But I hardly see the others. And I think that I am so different to the rest of the family that I really don't know where I fit in. I'm not saying this in a bad way. Its just the way I am. The way things are. We are different. And that is a good thing. We are individuals. The only bad thing about it is that I don't know what to talk to them about sometimes, and I think its vice-versa with them. They probably don't know what to talk to me about. I also think that I am becoming a loner. Maybe thats the way its meant to be. I mean, I'm always going to be alone, so I may as well get used to it now.

I'm sorry. I am still struggling with the big black cloud. I'm actually careful what I write here as family and friends know about this blog. Although I don't know if anyone reads it. No one leaves comments. I don't think anyone reads it now. But I will still post my real in depth thoughts on my other blog. The one that only I know the address of. The one that only I read. Its where I can really be me, and just let it all out.

I really hate this depression. I don't want to do anything apart from sleep, play on the net, and watch tv. I don't want to go out. I don't want to visit anyone. And when I do see people, I just pretend I'm fine.

This is so hard, and I just feel like I'm all alone. Maybe, like I said before, because I always will be alone.

The joys of depression

Hi again
Here's something that some of you don't know about me... I have depression. What I want to know is why we hide it? Why do we pretend? I know I do. I even pretend in front of family. They know I have it, yet they don't see it. I even pretend in front of my mother, the one person who I feel closest to. Are we ashamed of it? I know others with depression, and they hide it too. There is such a bad stigma attached to it. Like its something bad. Like we SHOULD be ashamed. Why should I be ashamed that I have a chemical imbalance? If I had cancer I wouldn't hide it. I don't hide my disability, so why should I hide my depression?

Maybe subconsciously I worry that people will judge me for it. Think that there's something wrong in my head (besides the obvious - ha ha!) That maybe I am psycho. Or that maybe I am weak. Can't handle the real world. Oversensitive. Overreact. The last two I have actually been told that I am. And by people who I thought would understand. I know that I think too much. I over analyse things. I always have. And believe me, I hate it.

Then there are the people who think you should just "snap out of it". Yeah right. They don't understand how powerful this illness is. How it rips at your soul. It eats away everything that makes you who you are.

I can understand how people with severe depression can commit suicide. I can understand how they feel. How they just want the torment to end. They wake each day to a new battle. Each day....a battle. And they just get sick of fighting it. You lose the will. The strength. I have even contemplated it. I know how I would do it. But I wouldn't. I have been around when someone attempted it, unsuccessfully. And I saw what it did to the people who would have been left behind. I couldn't do it to my mum. For her, I keep fighting.

Now I don't want you all to think that all I think about is topping myself. Because I don't. I'm not that severe. I still want to fight. I still look for that light at the end of the tunnel.

I just hope I find it soon.

Short note....

I haven't written here for a while. Two reasons. One is because I have such a boring life that I don't really have anything exciting to write about, and two is because I have been feeling crap lately and didn't think that my mood would come off well here. I have been putting a lot of effort into fighting the black cloud that is sitting on my shoulder lately. I don't know how successfully things are going, only time will tell I suppose.