Hi again
Here's something that some of you don't know about me... I have depression. What I want to know is why we hide it? Why do we pretend? I know I do. I even pretend in front of family. They know I have it, yet they don't see it. I even pretend in front of my mother, the one person who I feel closest to. Are we ashamed of it? I know others with depression, and they hide it too. There is such a bad stigma attached to it. Like its something bad. Like we SHOULD be ashamed. Why should I be ashamed that I have a chemical imbalance? If I had cancer I wouldn't hide it. I don't hide my disability, so why should I hide my depression?
Maybe subconsciously I worry that people will judge me for it. Think that there's something wrong in my head (besides the obvious - ha ha!) That maybe I am psycho. Or that maybe I am weak. Can't handle the real world. Oversensitive. Overreact. The last two I have actually been told that I am. And by people who I thought would understand. I know that I think too much. I over analyse things. I always have. And believe me, I hate it.
Then there are the people who think you should just "snap out of it". Yeah right. They don't understand how powerful this illness is. How it rips at your soul. It eats away everything that makes you who you are.
I can understand how people with severe depression can commit suicide. I can understand how they feel. How they just want the torment to end. They wake each day to a new battle. Each day....a battle. And they just get sick of fighting it. You lose the will. The strength. I have even contemplated it. I know how I would do it. But I wouldn't. I have been around when someone attempted it, unsuccessfully. And I saw what it did to the people who would have been left behind. I couldn't do it to my mum. For her, I keep fighting.
Now I don't want you all to think that all I think about is topping myself. Because I don't. I'm not that severe. I still want to fight. I still look for that light at the end of the tunnel.
I just hope I find it soon.
1 comment:
Hey darlin',
Just wanted you to know that I am here for you. I understand where you're at and know how you feel living a life in physical and emotional pain. We're made of strong stuff you know? Through all of our struggles, we've been blessed with a strength that not many others understand. You hang in there hun. We'll walk this road together hey?
Lis.
xxx
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